Did we once... have a joke thread? General Chat

Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor.

After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just reached 70).

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?

'I said, 'Not much.... My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have lots of sex?'

'No,' I said...

He looked at me and said,..

'Then, why the - - - - do you want to live to 80?

Canon balls

It was necessary to keep a good supply of cannon balls near the cannon on old war ships but how to prevent them from rolling about the deck was the problem. The storage method devised was to stack them as a square based pyramid, with one ball on top, resting on four, resting on nine, which rested on sixteen.

Thus a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem -- how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding/rolling from under the others.

The solution was a metal plate with 16 round indentations, called, for reasons unknown, a Monkey. But if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make them of brass - hence, Brass Monkeys.

Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled.

Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey.

Thus, it was quite literally, cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.

And all this time, most folks thought that was just a vulgar expression.

[I just read this in the Mail Online - written by Dominic Lawson]

Finally, a train announcement to treasure

How right my colleague Craig Brown was, in last Tuesday’s Mail, to let off steam about the increasingly irritating plethora of recorded announcements on trains. I especially sympathised with his dislike of the one calling on us to report anything ‘that does not look right’ ending with the ghastly rubric ‘See it, say it, sorted’.

Every time I hear it, it’s all I can do not to announce to my fellow passengers: ‘Does anyone on this train know what that even means?’ But there is a more general problem with these constantly repeated recorded announcements.

Far from attracting the careful attention of the listener, they become ignorable or meaningless exactly because of their tedious familiarity. It is analogous to the way in which we might pay attention to a car alarm that goes off for the first time, but when it happens repeatedly we treat it as an irritant, rather than wonder if someone’s car is at risk.

So it was a refreshing change, on a recent journey on Southeastern rail down to our home in Sussex, to hear a little clearing of the throat and a live announcement from a real guard.

And this is what he said:

‘We regret to inform passengers that there are no working trains on this toilet. We apologise for any inconvenience.’

My wife and I looked at each other, before collapsing in giggles — as, indeed did all the other passengers in the compartment. No recorded announcement could ever have given such pleasure.

Alan always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and asked Sheila,

"Notice anything different about me?"

Sheila looked him over. "Nope."

Frustrated, Alan stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Sheila, a little louder this time,

"Notice anything different NOW?"

Sheila looked up and said in her best deadpan,

"Alan, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Alan yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, SHEILA?"

"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"

Without missing a beat Sheila replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Al. Shoulda bought a hat."

My mum is so embarrassing. I was out with her today and she started saying 'Why don't you go back to Africa hey?' And then, 'why don't you go back to india where you lot belong, we don't need anymore of your kind round here?' And I said 'Mum, we're in a Zoo!'

Gamblers anonymous! How do they know where to send the winnings?

My dog always runs to the door when someone knocks. But it's never for him!

I take it you are feeling better Gareth. You were missed.

I do hope Mr Bronson did not miss Gareth as we did. It was kinda quiet without him!

Aw thank you. I've had a stomach bug since Saturday afer my infection cleared up. Typical!

Thank you too. It's nice to feel wanted.

Gareth - you are one of us and of course you are wanted. And you really were missed.

Glad you are feeling better and are now back with us!

A frog goes into a bank and Approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank Manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and Disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says.

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack.
Give the frog a loan,
His old man's a Rolling Stone."

You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are.

Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!

Never take life too seriously!

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is SOCCER.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BASKETBALL.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is RUGBY.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is CRICKET.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

And....

6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:

The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

There must be a load of people in the Government playing...

MARBLES!

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:

"Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied:

"That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

”Oh Father, wait there is more to tell. She started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said,

"That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Oh thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question"

"And what is that my son?" asked the priest.

”Should I tell her the war is over?"

A woman called Jean, her daughter called Jean and their two nieces called Jean all went to a nightclub. And the bouncer said 'sorry you can't come in, your all wearing trainers!'

I don't like to eat reformed ham. As I think it's unfair to the pigs to be slaughtered after they've got their lives back on track!