Did we once... have a joke thread? General Chat

Like it!

I was on a flight once and a guy came up to me and said I think your in my seat. So I replied I don't think I am. He said you are, so I got annoyed and replied again I'm not in your seat. So he said, alright then, you fly the bloody plane!

I have slightly less cringe worthy jokes but I don't know how the use of some bad language on here would be taken. I suppose I could edit them?!

Better keep things as innocuous as possible without spoiling the joke, and asterisks can come in handy as well, unless the asterisked word is still obvious and might be offensive to someone. I do not know the minimum age for joining Breedia is but do not forget that Breedia can be read by guests even if they are not registered members.

Yea I agree. That's why I thought I'd check. Thanks ☺

What's brown and sticky...

A stick

Oh nooooo!

You know your social life has gone down the toilet when your Wheelie Bin goes out more than you do!

I'll never forget the last thing my nan said to me before she died... WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE WITH THAT HAMMER?

I rang one of those chat lines and the woman said, what can I do for you? So I said, ring me back it's cheaper!

I saw a bloke sitting with a fishing rod and a brain attached to it. I asked what he was doing and he said, I'm casting my mind back!

I am annoyed as I read a really good joke this morning. I shared it with OH but tonight neither of us can remember it. Just not good with jokes, or memory loss?

They say memory is the second thing to go. I've forgotten the first

Why...

Why do supermarkets make the ill walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?

Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke?

Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters?

Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in our driveways and put our useless junk in the garage?

EVER WONDER ...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why you never see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavoring, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff??

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Misheard lyrics...

The Who. Noah knows what it's like to be a batman.

Tonight I sellotape my glove for you.

Britney. I watch porn to make you happy.

Coldplay. When his parrot, parrot, parrot dies!

Why dont you Hit me with your pet shark.

I've got the middle three, but not the first and the last ones.

Behind blue eyes and hot me with your best shot.

Surely it doesn't count as drinking alone if your schizophrenic?!!!

I didn't get any of them but that is probably old age and not knowing any modern pop songs!

A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.

She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can until she is totally exhausted.

Once she's done, she goes to the drink's cabinet in the lounge to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

Hi Darling", he says,

"Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say 'hello'?"

Just saw an advert for a missing dog in the newspaper and it read:

(WHISTLE) HERE BOY!