Did we once... have a joke thread? General Chat

Sorry I mean honey Jack Daniels. I just realised how that last comment could sound lol!

One day a golfer accidentally overturned his motorised golf buggy.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out,

“Are you okay?"

"I'm fine thanks," he replied.

"What's your name?," she asked.

"I'm John," he replied.

"John come into villa and have a glass of brandy for the shock and I'll help you get the cart up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," John answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted. She was very pretty and persuasive.

"Well okay," John finally agreed, and added, "but my wife won't like it."

After a restorative brandy, and some driving and putting lessons, John thanked his host.

"I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset."

"Don't be silly!” Elizabeth said with a smile,

“She won't know what has happened. By the way, where is she?"

"Under the cart!" he explained.

I was just queuing in my local Tescos and a fat woman was standing in front of me, with a massive cake and a pregnancy test. And she looked at me and said "We'll, it's one or the other isn't it?"

Do you think when normal dogs see a police dog they say to their friends "oh sh*t it's the police, act normal, act normal?!

And who does pick up guide dogs poo?

- Gareth, you are as bad as I am with your jokes!

Why thank you. I do try

So do I. I am not known as "trying" for nothing!

Do butterflies get tattoos of white English girls on their lower back?

As a kid I applied to go on Jim'll Fix it to meet Rolf Harris. Dodged two bullets there, coz I was a stunner when I was 9!

Unknown to me my children applied to go on Jim'll Fix it to see me ice-skating. Unfortunately for them on the date I was supposed to be filmed I was sick, so could not go.

I later heard that it was not me they wanted to film but my young daughter and son.

Maybe another lucky escape?

Incidentally, when my things were being packed by the shippers when I emigrated, I left my ice-skates on hooks in the dogs' room.

Flights of fancy:

Two men stand on a cliff with their arms outstretched. One has some budgies lined up on each arm, the other has parrots lined up on his arms.
After a couple of minutes, they both leap off the cliff and fall to the ground.

Lying next to each other in intensive care at the hospital, one says to the other, "I don't think much of this budgie jumping."

The other replies, "Yeah, I'm not too keen on this paragliding either."

Wow that's mad!

What - leaving my skates behind? I had not skated for years! Funny thing was that I could never roller-skate - could not even balance on them - and yet on ice?

Ah, but it was such a very long time ago. SIGH

I knew I never should have sung Come on Eileen earlier!

Gareth you crack me up!

[psst - it is Aileen wot is comin' your way] Well, maybe not your way but thataway.]

How is Mr Bronson this evening?

He's not good. I'm really worried, because he keeps constantly scratching and his face seems swollen. And he's really restless. I don't know what to do?
I'm hoping it's nothing, but he had a vac yesterday and I'm thinking could it be a reaction to that. But would it take this long to surface? Or maybe he's eaten something in the garden that I didn't see. I'm trying to think?

Sounds like an allergic reaction. I hope he is OK soon.
I have had puppies go a bit quiet after vaccs, and I have had runny eyes, but never a swollen face. Mind you, Eddie is 9.5 now, they could be different vaccines these days.

If you are the slightest bit worried and Mr Bronson does not seem to be better this morning, I would take him back to his Vet.

Thanks for the support guys. He seems OK today. His face doesn't seem swollen anymore which is a relief. But he still seems to be scratching quite a bit so I'll keep an eye on it. The positive is, he isn't scratching himself raw it's more of a ghost scratch as I call it, not really making contact. So I feel a bit more relaxed now. He's laying on my lap while I'm watching TV. ☺

Flying Blind

I was flying from Shanghai to Zhengzhou. By the time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was slightly annoyed. Unexpectedly, we stopped at Nanjing on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we could re-board in thirty minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his guide dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, 'Lee, we're in Nanjing for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?'

Lee replied, 'No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs. Would you take him for me please?'

Now picture this.

All the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a guide dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses that day. People scattered, not only trying to change planes but also trying to change airlines!