Did we once... have a joke thread? General Chat

Oops

Ring, ring,

'Hello?'

'Hi honey. This is Daddy.Is Mommy near the phone?'

'No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'

After a brief pause, Daddy says,

But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'

'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now..'

Brief Pause.

'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'

'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

'I did it, Daddy.'

'And what happened, honey?'

'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!'

'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'

'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'


Long Pause


Longer Pause


Even Longer Pause


Then Daddy says,


'Swimming pool? .............


Another Long Pause



We don't have a swimming pool.

Oops

I phoned the council today and said 'I wanna skip outside my house please', and the woman said 'you can skip where you bloody want!'

Right - now it is your turn to clean my monitor where I sprayed it with coffee when I laughed!

Deal! ;-)

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays!"

I went to the record shop and I said "What have you got by The Doors?" He said: "A bucket of sand and a fire blanket!"

What is it called when a cat wins a dog show?
A CAT-HAS-TROPHY!

What do you get when you cross a dog and a calculator?
A friend you can count on.

Why don't blind people like to sky dive? Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

You realise that you are not so young anymore when...

~Your kids are becoming you......but your grandchildren are perfect!

~Going out is good.. Coming home is better!

~You forget names.... But it's OK because other people forget they even knew you!!!

~You realize you're never going to be really good at anything.

~The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don't care to do them anymore.

~You sleep better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than in bed. It's called "pre-sleep".

~You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch..

~You tend to use more four letter words ... "what?"..."when?"...

~Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.

~You notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"!

~What used to be freckles are now liver spots.

~Everybody whispers.

~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet.... 2 of which you will never wear.

~~~But old is good in some things: old songs, old movies and... and... and...

..sorry, my memory has let me down again.

@BronsonTheBulldog You are too young to understand this last post.

Your too kind. But you'd be surprised, some of those things are true for me. I'm at the stage now (well have been for years) where teenagers annoy me, I prefer staying in to going out (because what's the point in going out, as you only end up having to come back home anyway)!
10pm used to be when the night was just getting started, but now I'm thinking can I stay awake until 11 to watch the end of something on TV (and fail)!
My memory is completely shot. Technology used to excite me, now it just frustrates me. People drive too fast and have no manners, or patience. I've taken to having afternoon naps. I used to think I was invincible. Now I think I'm incontinent!

MY SOCIAL LIFE AT 75 (in two weeks).

A night out is dog obedience training.
A daytime outing is either a walk with the dogs, a visit to a supermarket, or a Dog Show (Yeah!).
My husband is the best person I could ever have chosen, but my dogs understand me better than most other humans do.
It is much cheaper to drink whisky at home.

Err, umm, what exactly is this "social life" of which you talk? If it means going out, does buzzing across to the macolet count?

Totally agree on the whisky. That reminds me...

Supermarket scam .......

A warning for regular Home Depot customers. This one caught me by surprise.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two attractive twenty year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your supplies into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their bazooms almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.

It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds. You agree and they get into the back seat.

On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen October 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th & 29th.

Also November 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 10th, 13th, 16th & 22nd.

Three times this morning and very likely again tomorrow.

So tell your friends to be careful.

P.S. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found cheaper ones for $1.99 at K-Mart and bought them out.

Also, you never will get to eat at McDonalds. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth to Home Depot.

Be careful out there.

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started...
_______________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And that's when the fight started...
________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible.."

My loving wife of five years replied,"And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's when the fight started...
_______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And that's when the fight started...
________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And that's when the fight started...
________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

And that's when the fight started….
________________________________

My wife had just stepped out of the Shower and said to me “Just close the curtains will you love, I don’t want the neighbours seeing me with no clothing on”

I said to her, “ If they see you with no clothing on they will close their own bloody curtains”.

And that's when the fight started...
________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the boat,making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

You know your getting old when, a romantic scene comes on in a film and you think, "Ooh that bed looks comfy!"

Work this one out.
Just been to the supermarket and a bottle of 70cl whisky is £25. Whereas two 35cl bottles are £11 each. Mad!
Saved me £3 anyway!

This is often the case with coffee. Are you buying Glenfiddich? Famous Grouse is my fave, I was paying £15 a LITRE earlier this year, but the offers don't seem to be as good lately.

I know what you mean. Its all gone up.
I bought jack Daniels honey.