Did we once... have a joke thread? General Chat

Gladys failed a Health and Safety course at the Senior Centre today.

One of the questions was:

"In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?"


"F***ing' big ones" was apparently the wrong answer.

Major apologies for the above due to the tragedy in the tower block in London.

I was so wrong to have posted that so as I cannot delete it, please accept that I did not mean to cause any upset. The news is a total disaster and no way should I have posted the above.

I am sorry - although sorry is hardly the word.

NOAH TODAY

The Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England and said: "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans." So he gave Noah the blueprints, saying: "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.

"Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."

- "I needed a Building Permit."

- "I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector about the need for a sprinkler system."

- "My neighbours claim that I've violated the neighbourhood By-Laws by building the Ark in my back garden and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Local Planning Committee for a decision."

- "Then the Local Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it."

- "Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"

- "When I started gathering the animals the RSPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space."

- "Then the Environmental Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood."

- "I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew."

- "Immigration are checking the Visa status of most of the people who want to work."

- "The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience."

- "To make matters worse, the Inland Revenue seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species."

"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."

"Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky."

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord.

" The Government has beaten me to it."

Proofreading is not always accurate:

Man Kills self before shooting wife and daughter.

"Something went wrong in Jet Crash, expert says"

Police begin campaign to run rown jaywalkers. (Now that's taking things a bit far!)

Miners refuse to work after death.

Juvenile Court to try shooting defendant. (See if that works any better than a fair trial!)

War dims hope for peace.

If strike isn't settled quickly, it may last.

Cold spell linked to temperatures

Couple slain; Police suspect homicide.

Red tape holds up new bridges. (You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?)

Man struck by lightning: Faces battery charge.

New study of obesity looks for larger test group.

Astronaut takes blame for gas in spacecraft.

Kids make nutritious snacks (do they taste like chicken?)

Local High School dropouts cut in half.

Hospital is sued by seven foot doctors.
- - -
Did I read that right?

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for
answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible
bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined
the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain."

We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to remind my wife the word is sternum."

Literally LOL!

A man in London walked into the produce section of his local Tesco supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage.

The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage.

The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old blank wants to buy a half a head of cabbage."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man was standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later, the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?"

"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.

"Why did you leave New Zealand?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there."

"Is that right?" replied the manager, "My wife is from New Zealand!"

"Really?" replied the boy, "Who did she play for?"

The night before a race the race horse was always allowed a filly to stay in his stall.

His trainer said "sorry no fillies available tonight so no nookie for you" The race horse snorted and stamped his hooves.

"No filly - no race".

The trainer rang around to no available and then remembered there was a circus in town. He visited the circus and asked if he could borrow a fiily for the night. Still no luck but the circus owner said he had a pretty little zebra filly he could borrow for the night.

The trainer took the zebra to the race horse, introduced the zebra and told him only one lot of nookie and closed the stable doors and went home.

The following morning the trainer opened the stable door and found the horse on his back, legs waving around and panting.

The owner said "I told you only once"...

...and the horse said "I didn't even get that far - I have spent all night trying to get her pyjamas off" !!!

Never lie to a woman...

A man called home to his wife and said "Honey, I have been asked to go fishing up in Queensland with my boss & several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up"

"Oh! And please pack my new blue silk pyjamas. "

His wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.

The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

His wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to do?"

You'll love the answer...
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His wife replied, "I did pack them. They're in your fishing box ..."

I did say "Never Lie To A Woman..."!!!

My travel journeys

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone else. Would you care to accompany me?

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognises you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family, and most certainly work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore. It's an age thing.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often. Not recommended at all.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older, or have had too much to drink someplace.

One of my favourite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get! I'm currently there at the moment.

I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember what country I was in. It's just another age thing.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Me.

Me who?

I think we need to take him to the doctors he's forgotten who he is!

This is a combination of various emails sent to me by various people, and as it is now over half way through 2017 I want to thank you all for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel.

Nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because apparently the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet.

I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

Now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to ten of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling Film in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me..

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan ..

Thanks to you I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbors ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician!

Oh, and by the way...

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water sprays over 6 ft. from of the toilet when you flush it.

NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY…

On July 20 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 Lunar Module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon.

His first words after stepping on the moon were "That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" were televised to earth and heard by millions.

But just before he re-entered the lander he made the enigmatic remark...

..."Good Luck Mr Gorsky".

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet cosmonaut. However upon checking there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programmes.

Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good Luck Mr Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

On July 5 1995 in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question to Armstrong.

As Mr Gorsky had died, Neil Armstrong felt he could now answer the question.

In 1938 when he was a kid in a small Mid-Western town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard.

His friend hit the ball, which landed in his neighbour's yard.

His neighbours were Mr and Mrs Gorsky.

As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Neil Armstrong heard Mrs Gorsky shouting at Mr Gorsky.

"Sex? You want sex?! - You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

- - -

[I don't know if it really is true, but it is really funny (to me) anyway.]

HEALTH INFORMATION.

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?

Do you suffer from shyness?

Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Cabernet Sauvignon ..... it's usually cheaper than a NHS Prescription.

Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately and, with a regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.

Stop hiding and start living.

Side effects may include:

Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister. The next morning: dehydration, dry mouth, bad breath and pounding headache.

WARNINGS:

Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone:-

* Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it.

* However, women who wouldn't mind becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

* The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

* The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

* The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing.

* The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

Please feel free to share this important information with as many as you feel may benefit!

NOW - just imagine what you could achieve with a good Merlot, Bordeaux or Chianti.

Distracted Driving Incident

This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac, doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror, putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple seconds to continue shaving and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily but she scared me so much I had to put on my seat belt, and I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car, using my knees against the steering wheel,it knocked my Cell Phone away from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs!

The coffee splashed and burned Big Jim and the Twins. Ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.

Damn women drivers!

- People born before 1946 were called The Silent Generation.

- People born between 1946 and 1964 are called The Baby Boomers.

- People born between 1965 and 1979 are called Generation X.

- People born between 1980 and 2010 are called Generation Y.

Why do we call the last group Generation Y?

Y should I get a job?
Y should I leave home and find my own place?
Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours?
Y should I clean my room?
Y should I wash and iron my own clothes?
Y should I buy any food?

An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as the evils of smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asked "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replied, "That would be my wife."

Sam and Sean were fishing on the shoreline when Sam pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Sean for a light.

'Yes, sure, I have a lighter,' Sean said, before reaching into his tackle box and pulling out a Bic lighter, 10 inches long.

'My God, man!' exclaimed Sam, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands.

'Where did you get this monster?'

'Well,' replied Sean, 'I got it from my Genie.'

'You have a fecking Genie?' Sam asked.

'Yes. He’s right here in my tackle box,' says Sean.

'Could I see him?'

Sean opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.

Addressing the Genie, Sam says: 'Hey there! I'm a good pal of your master. Will you grant me one wish?'

'Yes, I will.' says the Genie.

So Sam asks the Genie for a million bucks.

The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sean sitting there waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks flying directly overhead.

Over the roar of the million ducks Sam yells at Sean:

'What the hell? I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'

Sean answers: '

Yes, I forgot to tell you that the Genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked for a 10 inch Bic?'

King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world.

Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it." "But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"

Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

A letter sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it..

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public figure, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALLING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH

#1. To make an appointment to see me

#2. To query a missing payment.

#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required.

Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.

#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 to 9

#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a good, if ever so slightly less prosperous day?

Your Humble Client

And remember:

Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to pi$$ us off.