Did we once... have a joke thread? General Chat

...think about it...​

Someone just knocked my door and asked if I'd consider switching energy suppliers? And I said, I'm alright, I'll stick with food thanks, it's got me this far in life!

An elderly man walked into a Doctor’s waiting room and approached the desk.
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The Receptionist said, “Yes sir, how may I help you?”

“There’s something wrong with my penis”, he replied.

The Receptionist became irritated and said, “You shouldn’t come into a waiting room and say things like that.”

“Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,” he said.

The Receptionist replied; “You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.”

The man replied, “You shouldn’t ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.”

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, “Yes?”

“There’s something wrong with my ear”, he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. “And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?”

“I can’t pee out of it,” he replied.

Television news report:

- People are calling the man who scaled down a 19 story building after a fire
.."the real life Spider Man.
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Comment from viewer:

- That's not Spider Man, that's Peter Parkour.​

I've just auditioned for the new Lassie Movie, and they want me to play the lead!!!

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Is it just me who mixes up the amount you can drink and still drive, with how much you can take through customs?

Comfort food very nice, but comfort drink tastes very much like fabric softener!

When I first heard of Deep Vein Thrombosis, I thought it was a 60's jazz musician!

Before James Bond got his licence to kill, did he have a provisional licence to kill? With a dual control gun!

When my dad was a binman, we used to get embarrassed when he would collect us from school. Not the fact that he was a binman, it was just we never knew which day he was going to turn up?!

If I get a letter through the door and I don't know who it's from, I run after the postman and shout 1471!

Three American men are sitting on a beach in the Caribbean sipping their rum and they get to talking…
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Soon they happen to inquire about each other’s backgrounds.

The first man says, “I used to own a matchstick factory back in California. But one day there was a fire and the entire factory was burned to the ground. I collected my insurance money and decided to retire here in the Caribbean.”

The second man say, “Oh, how odd! I used to own a jewellery store in Chicago. One night there was a break-in and I lost all my wares. So I collected my insurance and headed down here.”

The third man looks at the two of them and says, “You won’t believe it! I used to run a warehouse in Kansas. One day a tornado destroyed the entire business, so I collected my insurance and here I am!”

The first two men look at each other for a while. Finally one of them asks...

“How do you make a tornado?”​

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The reason why you should never Google your symptoms...

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The mother of a beautiful girl enters the office of a general

“General! One of your soldiers got my daughter pregnant! I demand you punish the soldier and the military pay alimony for the child!”

The general stands up, grabs his sword, unsheaths it and hands it to the lady, keeping the sheath in his hands.

He says “Would you kindly help me put that sword in this sheath?”

The woman tries to put the tip of the sword into the sheath but every time she is almost in, the general moves the sheath a little to the side.

“How am I supposed to put it in if you don’t let me?!”, the woman exclaims.

“Ah, exactly my point”, says the general.

“You can see yourself out.”

I was having a conversation with a scammer the other day.
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Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “It’s OK sir. We can help you right now. Are you in front of your device sir?”

Me: “Yes. I was just about to use it. I’m glad you called.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Yes sir, we are going to help you. Can you please push the Start button?”

Me: “I think it’s already on.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Okay, sir. Now you want to click on Control Panel.”

Me: “I don’t see that.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Do you see a bunch of information above the Start button?”

Me: “Yes.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “That is your Control Panel.”

Me: “Wow, I didn’t realize it had a name.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Yes sir, now press on Internet Options.”

Me: “Yeah, I definitely don’t see any Internet options. I don’t think I purchased that feature. This is just a cheap one.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “They all have the Internet sir. Press the Start button again.”

Me: “OK, it’s the same as before.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “That’s OK sir. We are going to restart your device. Can you please turn it off?”

Me: “Ummm…I don’t know how. I’ve never turned it off. Since I bought it it just kind of stays on all the time.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “There must be an off button on your device. How do you stop it when it’s running?”

Me: “In those cases I usually press the big button beneath Stop/Cancel.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “OK sir. Please press that button.”

Me: “Ok.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Is your device off?”

Me: “No. The door popped open.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Door? Is there a disc inside the door?”

Me: “No, there’s a burrito.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Why is there a burrito in your computer?”

Me: “Computer? I thought you said this was microwave support.”

I had some fun last week with one of these callers. I acted as if I was really worried that I might have infected my friends PC's with a virus, and was definitely that day's most stupid and deaf OAP, (not hard for me). Only when I got bored with the game did I tell this sweet, patient, Indian lady that my tablet was on Android, and that she should be ashamed at the way she was making a living. The scammer scammed. Result!

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year…
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…and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome and didn’t really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn’t say a word. She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me.”

I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door, stepped out of the house, and walked straight towards my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family”.

The moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.