Did we once... have a joke thread? General Chat

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What percent of the people reading this know what pi is? Is it 1/3, 1/2, 2/3? I really am curious?

Enough I hope...

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wow, took a strange mind to notice that.

Nearly right...

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Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs

Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow

Q. How are the main parts of the body categorised (eg the abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O and U

Q. What is the fibula
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure
A. A Roman Emperor

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Q. What is a turbine
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

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A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

“But officer,” the man began, “I can explain.”

“Just be quiet,” snapped the officer.

I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.”

“But, officer, I just wanted to say,”

“And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!”

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding… He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”

“Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell. “I’m the groom.”

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says,“I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”

‘Dad, what are you talking about?’ the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says.

“We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.” Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they’re getting divorced!”

She shouts, “I’ll take care of this!” She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced.

Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow.Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. ‘Sorted! They’re coming for Christmas – and they’re paying their own way.’

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, “Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness.

Now, you probably won’t remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway.

You’re going to be okay, you’ll walk again and everything, however, your p*nis was severed in the accident and we couldn’t find it.”

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, “You have $9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new p*nis. They work great but they don’t come cheap. It’s roughly $1,000 an inch.”

The man perks up. So, the doctor says, “You must decide how many inches you want. But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife.

If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out.

If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed.

It’s important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision.”

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day, “So, have you spoken with your wife?” “Yes I have,” says the man.

“And has she helped you make a decision?” “Yes” says the man. “What is your decision?” asks the doctor.

“We’re getting granite kitchen bench tops.”

Love is like central heating. You turn it on before guests arrive and pretend it's like this all the time!

I just bought a Christmas tree, and the guy selling them said are you gonna put it up yourself? And I said no, I was thinking the living room!

I bought a Microsoft advent calendar, and if you open too many windows at once, they all shut again for no bloody reason?

My friend has been suffering from paranoid delusions, thinking he's a chocolate orange. I worry he's gonna be sectioned?
Poor Terry!!!

I used to be a fortune teller, but all I ever predicted was really cold winters? Turned out the crystal ball shop had sold me a snow globe!!!

My last job involved punching buttons all day. And that's why I'm not allowed to do Panto anymore!!!

OMG. Have you run out of pills Gareth?

Gareth dear, has that squirrel been leading you astray again?

Ha, not yet Carole!

Maybe?