Did we once... have a joke thread? General Chat

This guy walks into a quiet bar. He is carrying three ducks, one in each hand, and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the bartender. The bartender is experienced, and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks.

They chat for about 30 minutes before the guy with the ducks has to go to the restroom. The ducks are left on the bar. The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence.

The bartender decides to try to make some conversation. "What's your name?" He says to the first duck. "Huey" replies the first duck. "How's your day been, Huey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day." "Oh. That's nice," says the Bartender.

Then he says to the second duck "Hi, and what's your name?" "Dewey," came the answer. "So how's your day been, Dewey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance another day I would do the same again."

So the bartender turns to the third duck and says, "So, you must be Louie." "No," growls the third duck, "my name is Puddles, and don't ask about my day."

Just phoned the new care home my grandfather's in, to see how he's selling in. And the nurse said he's like a fish out of water. So I said, Aw is he finding hard to adjust? She said no, he's dead!

Gareth!!!

[Rude words in brackets - use your imagination]

Two doctors are on a golf course at the tenth hole. One of them looks up in the trees and sees an owl asleep on a branch. One doctor says to the other, "I'll bet you $100 I can give that owl a vasectomy and that owl won't even wake up."

The other doctor says, "You've got a bet."

The first doctor climbs up the tree, does the operation, and comes down from the tree. The owl never wakes up.

The second doctor, not to be outdone, says, "I bet you the same that I can give that owl a tonsillectomy and he won't wake up." The second doctor climbs up the tree, does his operation, and the owl never wakes up.

An hour later, the owl wakes up, flies to another tree, sees another owl and tells him, "Whatever you do, don't fall asleep in that tree by the tenth hole, because when I woke up after a nap, I couldn't hoot worth a [norty word] or [norty word] worth a hoot!"

It's impossible to dance with an octopus. You never know which arms to hold!

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I was just sitting in the pub and a guy in full biker leathers came in and asked me if I could give him a push? Intimated, I thought I better say yes. I went outside, and he got on a swing!!!

Apparently a fifth of dog owners kiss their dog on the lips. Which begs the question. Where's everyone else kissing thier dogs?

Do you think that when Chinese children learn the piano at school, they have to play a song called knives and forks?

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I kiss Tikki on the top of her beautiful head, just below and in between her ears of course!

Yes, the same here, either on the top of the head, or on her cheek - that warm, whispering place, just under the ear. Merry adores physical contact and will snuggle back against you to get even closer.
As for Eddie, you would have to catch him first! He doesn't do kisses and cuddles, and I feel really honoured when he deems to lean his head against my thigh.

If I ask Tikki for a kiss she will lightly touch the tip of my nose with hers then rest the left side of her face against the right side of mine. She is not a licking type of dog and apart from cuddling up to me on the bed if I want a nanny nap, not a cuddle-pup.

Unless, of course, it is Amit, or Ram, or Nir, or Rafi, or any other of the men she adores! Little floozy!

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After watching the Michael Jackson Leaving Neverland documentary, I realised just how dangerous plastic really is to the next generation!

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A man walks into a restaurant, studies the menu and says to the waiter, "I'll have some Pissoles, please!" And the waiter replies "No sir, that's an R!" And he says "Oh ok, I'll have some R-soles then!

They say laughter is the best medicine? Unless your diabetic, then insulin is pretty high on the list!