Did we once... have a joke thread? General Chat

Aw, why Juli?

You really do not want to know what might happen when I laugh too much!

Not sure which thread this should be on, but I think maybe here?

I have had that picture for quite a while now - just did not know which thread to post it on.

Anyhow, the company I used to work for, imported medications and all sort of things from all over the world, one of which were condoms. So my boss ended up with a large carton full of them from everywhere, and because they all had English instructions it was up to me to - ahem - sort them out.

The classic was the brand which had the instructions how to use which said "open the packet, make sure you could open the condom, and please turn over",

Because there was not enough space to explain what to do was after whoever had opened the packet.

That was when I really did have to get to the nearest loo as quick as I could!

I think i just got a compliment from a women, as she described me as a bit of a looker. Well what she said was 'A Voyeur!'

I've recently just come back from a barging holiday. Not on a boat, I just like pushing people into Canals!

I asked my doctor how they spotted the early signs of dementia.
He said they filled a bath with water, then asked the patient to empty it. They were offered the use of a teaspoon, a cup or a bucket.
'I see, if they choose the bucket, they realise it will empty faster, so they haven't got dementia', I said. The doctor smiled. 'No, the ones without dementia just pull the plug out. Would you like your bed next to a window?'.

Im trying to give up smoking, so am trying those E-Cigarettes, but the trouble is, I'm now addicted to electricity!

I always make sure I walk my dog after the joggers have been out, because they are the ones who find the dead bodies!

I always thought it was the dog walkers who found the bodies!

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A chicken walks into a library, goes up to a librarian and says, "Book book book." The librarian decides that the chicken wants a book so he gives the chicken a book and the chicken walks away. About ten minutes later the chicken comes back with the book, looking a bit agitated, saying, "Book book book."

The librarian decides the chicken wants another book so he takes the old book back and gives the chicken another book. The chicken walks out the door. Ten minutes later the chicken comes back again, very agitated, saying, "Book book book!" so quickly it almost sounds like one word.

The chicken puts the book on the librarians desk and looks up - waiting for another book. This time the librarian gives the chicken another book and decides that something weird is happening.

He follows the chicken out the door and into the park, all the way to the pond. In the pond is a frog sitting on a lily pad. The chicken gives the book to the the frog, who then says, "Reddit, reddit."

I went to a Greek restaurant. The food was rubbish but the plates were smashing!

Apparently there's a new Christmas cooking program starting with Jamie Oliver. It's called 'Prick with a fork!'

Fly Air NZ - thought for the day

A mother and her 5-year-old son were flying Air New Zealand from Auckland to Sydney.

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked,

“If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So the little guy walks up to the galley and asked the flight attendant,

“If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"

The boy said, "Yes, she did”.

"Well, then, please tell your mother that there are no baby planes because

Air New Zealand always pulls out on time - and ask her explain that to you.".

I don't think I can trust the cash machine in my local village. They say you should never give out your bank details, right?

Well I just put my card in and the sneaky thing asked me for my pin number.

Mine always asks me do I want to check my balance, so I stand on one leg and it's always fine!