Did we once... have a joke thread? General Chat

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her poodle along for company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly in his direction. The poodle thinks, "Uh, oh!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!" says the leopard. "That was close! That poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back so you can watch me chew that poodle to bits!"

Now, the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and waits until they get just close enough to hear. "Where's that damn monkey?" the poodle says.

"I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

How To Photograph A Puppy (before digital cameras)

• Remove film from box and load camera.
• Remove film box from puppy’s mouth and throw in trash.
• Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.
• Choose a suitable background for photo.
• Mount camera on tripod and focus.
• Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.
• Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.
• Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.
• Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.
• Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.
• Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy’s nose.
• Put magazines back on coffee table.
• Try to get puppy’s attention by squeaking toy over your head… Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.
• Jump up in time to grab puppy and say, “Potty, outside!”
• Call spouse to clean up the mess.
• Fix a drink.
• Sit back in Lazy Boy with drink, and resolve to teach puppy “sit” and “stay” the first thing in the morning.

It’s a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.

Father Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars.

Mother Bear sticks her head out the kitchen door and yells, "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this?

It was Mother Bear who go up first. It was Mother Bear who woke everybody else in the house up.

It was Mother Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away.

It was Mother Bear who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper.

It was Mother Bear who set the table.

It was Mother Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water and food dish.

And now that you've decided to come down stairs and grace me with your presence, listen good because I'm only going to say this one more time: I haven't made the firking porridge yet!"

God, they don't like you throwing confetti at churches anymore. Well they didn't at my mother in law's funeral!!!

Why does your nose run and your feet smell?

And upturned plugs!

And stray dog chews!

I just asked a hippy friend of mine, does his dog dig his new bed? Ando he replied, yeah he thinks it's awesome!!!

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?

I just brought my new girlfriend home for the first time. I was worried what my mother would think of her, coz she was wearing football gloves, shirt, shorts and boots. My mother said 'She's a keeper!'

I think I have laughed a wee bit too much.

My next door neighbour said to me earlier 'you have to get rid of your dog, he keeps chasing everyone on a bicycle!' So I said 'what do you want me to do?' And he replied 'take his bike off him!'

Gareth - if I did not love you so much I would hate you!