Did we once... have a joke thread? General Chat

I tried swimming with dolphins, but didn't like it as I found them very cliquey!

Ha ha. The reformed ham one was better!

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!

So I phoned up the spiritual leader of tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck, turns out I phoned dial a lama.

I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs.

You know the police, they have undercover cars. But you never see an undercover police horse do you?

I just bought a new kettle from currys and the woman behind the counter asked me for my address. What is she expecting, to come round for a cup of tea or what?

• A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
  When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.

• My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70!
  Blow this , I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

• I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance ...
  so I did - I pushed her over.

• I was driving this morning when I saw a tow truck parked. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.
  I thought to myself, that guy's heading for a breakdown.

• Statistically, six out of seven dwarves are not Happy.

• My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning. Can you believe that ... 2:30am?!
  Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.

• Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ."
  "Forget that," says Mick, "have you seen how many of their owners go blind".

• My girlfriend thinks I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

• My wife said to me, "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back."
  I said, "What do you expect? You're in a wheelchair."

• I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature.
  She said, "I'd like to come back as a cow."
  I said, "You're obviously not listening."

• The wife was counting all the coins from her purse on the kitchen table, when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason.
  I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

• When I was in the pub I heard a couple of guys saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
  What a pair of sexists ... I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!

• A teddy bear was working on a building site. He went for a tea break and when he returned he noticed his pickaxe has been stolen.
  The bear was angry and reported the theft to the foreman.
  The foreman grinned at the bear and said, "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."

• Murphy says to Paddy, "What ya talkin to an envelope for?"
  Paddy replies, "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick head!"

• Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

Juli-Malka, you have excelled yourself tonight.
Gareth, that really annoys me at Curry's too. I have to register the guarantee with the manufacturer, so why do Curry's need to know my address?

At dawn the telephone rings,

"Hello, Señor Bob ? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Bob , that your parrot, he is dead".

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Señor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating the rotten meat, Señor Bob ."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Señor Bob .."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Yes, Señor Bob , he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Señor."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"

"Yes, Señor Bob ."

"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Señor Bob .."

"WHAT FUNERAL??!!"

"Your wife's, Señor Bob . She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."

SILENCE...........

LONG SILENCE.........

VERY LONG SILENCE............

"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're REALLY in deep XXXX."

A husband and wife are shopping in their local ASDA.

The husband picks up a case of Guinness and puts it in their trolley.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only £10 for 18 cans he replies.

So they continue shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts:
'So does 18 cans of Guinness and it's half the price.'

He never knew what hit him.

Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.

I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me ‘Can you give me a lift?’ I said ‘Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it!

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.

I’m so lazy I’ve got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

Tim Vine, - eat your heart out.
I wish I could remember jokes. I'm sure I have heard some lately, but they just don't stick in my brain.

Tim Vine is one of my favorite stand up comedians!

Who?

You think that it is only you do not remember? I frequently have to go through this l-o-n-g thread to check whether I have posted something before!

An elephant asked a camel,

"Why are your breasts on your back?"

'Well, ' said the camel,

' I think that's an inappropriate question from somebody whose penis is on his face.'

- - -

Grandpa to grandson "why do Elephants have short toe nails?"

Grandson "I don't know why?"

Grandpa "So that when you pick them up they can't scratch you"

Grandson "But you can't pick an elephant up they are too heavy"

Stumped

Bless him and he's only 18.

When the Pope abdicates, does he have to go to God for a reference when he applies for a new job?

Two monkeys in the bath and one goes 'Ooh ooh ahh ahh!' And the other one says 'Well put some cold water in then!'