Anything for a laugh General Chat

How to understand Chinese in one word - with no insult intended to any Chinese person anywhere.

Take your time.....

By the time you read through this you will understand "TANJOOBERRYMUTTS". And then you will be ready to take on China!

Believe me.. you WILL understand!!!

Here goes...

- - -

Telephone exchange between hotel guest and room service in China

Room Service: "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest: " Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

Room Service: "Rye, roon sirbees... morrin! Joowish to odder sunteen?"

Guest: "Uh... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."

Room Service: "Ow ulai den?"

Guest: "What??"

Room Service: "Ow ulai den?!?... Pryed, boyud, poche?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry... Scrambled, please/"

Room Service: "Ow ulai dee bayken? Creepse?"

Guest: "Crisp will be fine."

Room Service: "Hokay. An sahn toes?"

Guest: "What?"

Room Service: "An toes. Ulai sahn toes?"

Guest: "I...Don't think so..."

Room Service: "No? Udo wan sahn toes???"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'udo wan sahn toes' means."

Room Service: "Toes! Toes!... Why Uoo don wan toes?... Ow bow anglish moppin we botter?"

Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

Room Service: "We botter?"

Guest: "No, just put the botter on the side."

Room Service: "Wad?!?"

Guest: "I mean butter... just put the butter on the side."

Room Service: "Copy?"

Guest: "Excuse me?"

Room Service: "Copy... tee... meel?"

Guest: "Yes. Coffee please...and that's everything."

Room Service: "One minnie. Scramah egg, creepse bayken, Anglish moppin we botter on sigh and copy. Rye?"

Guest: "Whatever you say."

Room Service: "Tanjooberrymutts."

Guest: "You're welcome."

- - -

Remember I did say "By the time you read through this... You WILL understand "Tanjooberrymutts"...

And you do, don't you!

Oh Malka, the area we live in is a true cultural mix. Spanish, Portuguese, French Creole, Russian, Jamaican, Polish, China, Korea, Japan, Middle-East, and just plain tri-state honk. You learn to decipher the merest shreds of English. You have to, but yes it can be highly amusing.

At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Señor Roy? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Roy, that your parrot, he is dead".

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?" "

Si, Señor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating the rotten meat, Señor Roy."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Señor Roy."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?" "

Yes, Señor Roy, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Señor."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?" "

The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"

"Yes, Señor Roy."

"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Señor Roy."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"

"Your wife's, Señor Roy. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G20 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."

SILENCE...........LONG SILENCE.........VERY LONG SILENCE…………

"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep sh!t."

Dear G-d: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog.

1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.

2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. just because I like the way they smell.

3. The litter box is not a cookie jar.

4. The sofa is not a ”face towel.”

5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

6. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

7. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying "hello."

8. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table.

9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house—not after.

10. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.

11. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch.

12. The cat is not a squeaky toy so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

P.S. Dear G-d: When I get to Heaven may I please have my testicles back?

Doggy Dictionary

LEASH: A strap that attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.

DOG BED: Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

DROOL: A liquid that, when combined with sad eyes, forces humans to give you their food. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and get drool on the human.

SNIFF: A social custom used to greet other dogs, similar to the human exchange of business cards.

GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.

BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards. The person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.

DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person wants them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction or lying down.

THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly and following at their heels.

WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes and old candy wrappers. It is important to evenly distribute its contents throughout the house before your person comes home.

BATH: If you find something especially good to roll in, humans get jealous and they use this degrading form of torture to get even. Be sure to shake only when next to a person or a piece of furniture.

LEAN: Every good dog's response to the command "sit!" especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.

BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the regular bump doesn't get the attention you require...especially effective when combined with the sniff. See above.

CHILDREN: Short humans of optimal petting height. Standing close to one assures some good petting. When running, they are good to chase. If they fall down, they are comfortable to sit on.

LOVE: A feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.

A man tied his Great Dane outside the grocery store and went inside to do some shopping.

A little while later another man came over to him and asked if the Great Dane outside was his.

He replied that it was and then the other man said, “Well I’m sorry to tell you this, but I believe my dog just killed your dog.”

The owner of the Great Dane looked at him and asked what kind of dog he had, to which he replied that he had a Chihuahua.

The Great Dane’s owner looked at the other man as if he’d lost his mind and asked, “How could that be?”

The other man replied, “Well I’m afraid he choked on him.

Love the Doggy Dictionary .... the medical term for deafness, a malady Georgie suffers from is "Cloth Ear Syndrome" ... children are also prone to it!

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past them. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian. The children fell to discussing the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.

"No, he's just for good luck," said another.

A third child brought the argument to a close.

"They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

Golden Retriever:
The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

Border Collie:
The Border Collie realized the bulb wasn't the problem, and is in the basement re-setting the breaker.

Dachshund:
You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

Rottweiler:
Make me.

Lab:
Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?

Malamute:
Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.

Jack Russell Terrier:
I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

Poodle:
I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Cocker Spaniel:
Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Doberman Pinscher:
While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.

Boxer:
Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

Mastiff:
Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

Chihuahua:
Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

Irish Wolfhound:
Can somebody else do it? I've got this hangover.

Pointer:
I see it, there it is, there it is, right there.

Greyhound:
It isn't moving. Who cares?

Australian Shepherd:
First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle…

Old English Sheep Dog:
Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb?

German Shepard:
Alright, everyone stop where you are! Who busted the light? I SAID, "STOP WHERE YOU ARE!!!"

Hound Dog:
ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz

Cat:
Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So the question is: How long will it be before I can expect light?

There's a guy with a Doberman Pincher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pincher says to the guy with the Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The guy with the Doberman Pincher says, "Just follow my lead."

They walk over to the restaurant. The guy with the Doberman Pincher puts on a pair of dark glasses and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, "Sorry mac, no pets allowed."

The guy with the Doberman Pincher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The guy at the door says, "A Doberman Pincher?"

He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good."

The guy at the door says, "Come on in."

The guy with the Chihuahua figures "what the hell," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.

The guy at the door says, "Sorry pal, no pets allowed."

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"

He says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"

I was talking to Robbie, Gwylim's breeder the other day. Although his English is good he's sometimes lost for certain words. He was telling me that one of his dogs had been bitten by one of those things that makes jam .... Ugh? We finally settled for a bee. He then went on to tell me he was feeling tired because he'd been up all night helping to deliver a baby born to one of those Australian animals who's coat you make sweaters from ???? Took me a little longer to fathom out that he meant a sheep!

A dog walks into a telegraph office, picks up a blank form, and writes: “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”

The clerk looks over the paper for a minute before telling the dog, “You know, there are only nine words here. You could add another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”

The dog shakes his head at the clerk in disbelief. “But that would make no sense at all.”

The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk, but the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply so they brought the cow over from Scotland.

It was absolutely wonderful. She produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy, so they bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow she would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland.

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland?

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye:

"My wife is from Scotland"

The animals were bored. Finally, the lion had an idea. "I know a really exciting game that the humans play called football. I've seen it on T.V."

He proceeded to describe it to the rest of the animals and they all got excited about it so they decided to play. They went out to the field and chose up teams and were ready to begin.

The lion's team received. They were able to get two first downs and then had to punt. The mule punted and the rhino was back deep for the kick. He caught the ball, lowered his head and charged. First, he crushed a roadrunner, then two rabbits. He gored a wildebeest, knocked over two cows, and broke through to daylight, scoring six.

Unfortunately, they lacked a placekicker, and the score remained 6 - 0.

Late in the first half the lion's team scored a touchdown and the mule kicked the extra point. The lion's team led at halftime 7 - 6. In the locker room, the lion gave a peptalk.

"Look you guys. We can win this game. We've got the lead and they only have one real threat. We've got to keep the ball away from the rhino, he's a killer. Mule, when you kick off be sure to keep it away from the rhino."

The second half began. Just as the mule was about to kick off, the rhino's team changed formation and the ball went directly to the rhino. Once again, the rhino lowered his head and was off running. First, he stomped two gazelles. He skewered a zebra, and bulldozed an elephant out of the way. It looked like he was home free. Suddenly at the twenty yard line, he dropped over dead. There were no other animals in sight anywhere near him. The lion went over to see what had happened. Right next to the dead rhino he saw a small centipede.

"Did you do this?" he asked the centipede.

"Yeah, I did." the centipede replied.

The lion retorted, "Where were you during the first half?"

"I was putting on my shoes."

A business man enters into a large Las Vegas casino followed by his well-groomed hunting dog. The two make their way to a roulette table, and he sits down with his dog at his side. As the next game begins, the man's dog tosses a mouthful of $1000 chips onto the table. Remarkably, the numbers each chip fall on pay off. The dog quickly jumps up on the table, gathers up their winnings and heads off to another table. Not to be lost, the man quickly jumps up and follows after his dog.

As before, the dog tosses a mouthful of chips onto the table for betting, and once again the couple walk away winners. Not to waiver from the drill, the dog jumps up on the table, scoops up their winnings and jumps off the table. To yet another table they head.

This time the man's dog dumps all of their winnings on one hand of Blackjack. Remarkably, the dealer presents an ace and king to the man. A bit shocked, the dealer presents the man with his winnings. Not missing a beat, the dog hurls its massive body onto the game table, grabs all of their chips in its mouth and jumps back down to the man's side.

Tired from all of the gambling, they find a bar to sit down at. The man asks for a pint of ale for his dog and just a club soda for himself. Puzzled by the man's request, and the large pile of chips at the dog's side, the bartender asks what type of dog does this very wealthy man have? Patting his canine companion on the head, he smiles and says...

"An Irish Better...what else?"

I went to the cinema the other day and in the front row was an old man and with him was his dog. It was a sad funny kind of film, you know the type. In the sad part, the dog cried his eyes out, and in the funny part, the dog laughed its head off. This happened all the way through the film. After the film had ended, I decided to go and speak to the man.

"That's the most amazing thing I've seen," I said. "That dog really seemed to enjoy the film."

The man turned to me and said, "Yeah, it is. He hated the book."

Why We Love Children

1) NUDITY

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman passenger in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

2) OPINIONS

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'

3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.

'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'

4) MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.

The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

5) POLICE

Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report.

"My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her.

"Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"

6) POLICE

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a young boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.

'It sure is,' I replied.

Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

7) DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'

'And why not, darling?'

'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

DEATH

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin.

Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton wool, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.

The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.'

9) SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

Typical kids!
My elder could come out with some priceless logic when he was little ... the one I remember best was when he'd be about 4 years old. The lady who ran the play school he went to used to take the children to Sunday school every week. One Sunday Alex came back and announced he'd never be going again. When I asked him why he told me that every week the vicar talked about a little boy called Jesus, but he'd never seen him at Sunday school, so if Jesus couldn't be bothered to go then neither could he!

Priceless Malka!

Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood. One says, "Let's fly out of the cave and get some blood."

"We're new here," says the second one. "It's dark out, and we don't know where to look. We'd better wait until the other bats go with us."

The first bat replies, "Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere." He flies out of the cave.

When he returns, he is covered with blood.

The second bat says excitedly, "Where did you get the blood?"

The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the night, he asks, "See that black building over there?"

"Yes," the other bat answers.

"Well," says the first bat, "I didn't."