Did we once... have a joke thread? General Chat

A man and a woman, who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, “Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.”

“I have a better idea,” she replied. “Just for tonight, let’s pretend that we’re married.”

“Wow! That’s a great idea!” he exclaimed.

“Good,” she replied. “Get your own damn blanket!”



After a moment of silence, he farted.

Since Brexit, Chris Eubank has had to change his name to Chris Bank!

Two statues were standing in a park. One a nude man and one a nude woman.

They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years.

One day an angel comes down from the sky and with one gesture brings them to life.

The angel tells them "As you have been so patient through all the freezing winters and all the sweltering summers, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you have wished to do the most."

He looks at her. She looks at him. They go running behind the shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently while the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.

After fifteen minutes the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel looks at his watch. "Umm, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?"

He asks her "Shall we?"

"Oh yes!" she replied.

"But this time I think we should change positions..."




"...this time I'll hold the pigeon down and you cr@p on its head."

​

A couple went to the county fair.​

​

They ate all the food and rode all the rides. When it came time to leave the woman asked her husband if there was anything else he wanted to do. “I would like to take a ride in that airplane, but it costs $20.” She replied “20 dollars is 20 dollars.” He nodded sagely and they went home.

Next year they went back to the fair, and the year after that. Every year his longing to ride the airplane grew, and every year her answer was the same. “Twenty dollars is 20 dollars”.

After many years the now old man was talking to the pilot about how he had always longed to ride in his airplane, but his wife wouldn’t let him waste their money.

“I have an idea” the pilot said. “Let’s make a bet. You ride in the plane and if you don’t make a sound the whole time, i’ll give you your money back.”

The man’s wife reluctantly agreed, and the couple climbed into the back seat. The pilot fired up his engine and took off. Determined to make his money, the pilot did a series of barrel rolls, corkscrews, loop the loops, even climbed straight up until the engine stalled then dove straight down until he could restart it. Not a peep came from his passengers, so he levelled off and landed. He turned around and was shocked to see the old man sitting alone.

“Where’s your wife?” The pilot exclaimed.

“She fell out at the second barrel roll.” The man replied

“Why didn’t you say something? We could have landed and gone to look for her!”

“Well, I wanted to, but 20 dollars is 20 dollars.”

We had a bulldog some years ago. We think half American, half French. Could be wrong, but we did love and have fun with that little rascal. He wasn’t quite as cute as yours, bigger I think.

I've just released my book about poltergeists. And it's flying off the shelves!

This guy gets a parrot but it's got a bad attitude and fowl (pun intended) vocabulary​

He tries everything to change the bird’s attitude and clean up its talk but nothing works.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, he puts the parrot in the freezer.

For a few moments he hears the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all is quiet.

He opens the freezer door. The parrot steps out and says, “I’m sorry that I offended you with my language and actions. I ask for your forgiveness.”

The guy’s astounded at the bird’s change in attitude and was about to ask what changed him when the parrot continued...




“By the way, may I ask – what did the chicken do?”

​

That’s good.
I carry one to answer the door. Two people close-by have been home-invaded at their doors.
I doubt I have to worry. I’ve got Hans, (we changed his name from Max) he’s pretty loud.

​

​

Oh, the amount of glass slippers I've lost to Secret Squirrel!

...................

​

​

Once upon a time there were three dinosaurs​

​

One day when they were were out hunting for food they came across a shiny lamp.

One of them rubs it and a mystical blue genie flies out of it.

"Hello, I am Genie. As there are three of you, you each get one wish."

"I wish for a large piece of meat", the first dinosaur said.

And so a large slab of meat materialised before his eyes
and plopped down in front of him.

"I wish for a shower of meat, the second dinosaur said.

And so the Genie made all sorts of meat from all different animals
rain down from a small cloud above the dinosaur's head.

Not wanting to be outdone by his friends, the third dinosaur quickly tries to think of
something better...

..."I wish for a meatier shower!" he said.




​

And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, explains everything!​

One of the best jokes I’ve ever heard!

One of the best I have found [so far] I think!

​