Did we once... have a joke thread? General Chat

Ahem - Tikki has a shocking pink squeaky rubber bone which, at a first glance, definitely looks, ahem, rather, ahem, like... one of those.

[Do Not Tell Anyone About This... but I once went into a s*x store in T/A and bought a birthday present for an elderly friend of mine because she was moaning that she wanted a toyboy. It was embarrassing but OK until the young male assistant asked me if I wanted one with batteries...]

I took my nan to one and she spent ages looking round. And after a while she said, I'll have the red one by the door. I said Nan, that's a fire extinguisher!

Gareth.....[no, the word I was going to use has unfortunate connotations] - you can now clean my monitor where I snorted coffee all over it.

I'll be round with the pledge and a cloth in a bit. Stick the kettle on!

Does anyone know how long a chicken will keep in the freezer?

Was it bought frozen?

No fresh.

Depends how low a temperature your freezer goes down to and how quickly you freeze it. My big freezer is set on minus 20°C and when I put it on fast freeze it goes down to minus 27°C so freezes very quickly.

Normally a bought frozen chicken should keep for a year if your freezer is cold enough, but if you freeze it yourself and cannot guarantee a low enough temperature, the chicken should be defrosted and cooked within three months.

Well that's no good coz I put it in last night and when I woke up this morning it was dead!

Sorry hun. I couldn't resist. X

The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.

'It will be waiting for you at the airport!' he was assured by his editor.
As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, 'Let's go! Let's go!' The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.

'Fly over the north side of the fire,' said the photographer, 'and make three or four low level passes.'
'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!' said the photographer with great exasperation.

After a long pause the pilot said, 'You mean you're not my flying instructor.'

I just saw a woman on the news standing in her flooded kitchen, and she was crying. I couldn't help thinking, well that's not helping. In fact, your making things worse!

ITV have commissioned a new series of through the keyhole. Hosted by Oscar Pistorius!

With the Christmas not that far away now, I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.

Because as you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends.
Well two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.

Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block but since it was a cab they waved it past and I arrived home safely without incident.

This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it..........

Any suggestions ?

Jim was an elderly man. He was sick and in the hospital.

There was one nurse that just drove him up the wall. Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child.

She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, 'And how are we doing this morning',

Or, 'Are we ready for a bath',

Or, 'Are we hungry?'

Jim had had enough of this particular nurse.

One day, at breakfast, he took the apple juice off the tray and put it in his bed side stand.

Next, he was given a urine bottle to fill for testing.

So you know where the juice went!

The nurse came in a little later, picked Up the urine bottle and looked at it.

'My, it seems we are a little cloudy today.'

At this, Jim snatched the bottle out of her hand and drank it down, saying,

'Well, I'll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time.'

DON'T MESS WITH 'OLDER' PEOPLE.

[Apologies in advance if this offends someone...]

In church I heard a lady in the pew next to me saying a prayer. It was so sweet and sincere that I just had to share with you:-

"Dear Lord,

This has been a tough few years. You have taken my favourite actor, my favourite actress, my favourite blues singer and now my favourite soul singer.

I just wanted you to know that my favourite politicians are Ed Miliband, Tony Blair, Nick Clegg, Ed Balls, Gordon Brown & John Bercow.

And his wife."

If disabled kids are naughty, are they put on the naughty ramp?

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said

"You used to hold my hand when we were courting!"

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said "Then you used to kiss me."

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said "Then you used to bite my neck."

Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

"To get my teeth!"

As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice warning him urgently,

"Vernon , I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the M3. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Vernon, "it's not just one car. There's hundreds of them!"