Did we once... have a joke thread? General Chat

A woman returning from a fishing trip with her husband told her troubles to a neighbour.

"I did everything wrong again," she said.

"I talked too loudly, I used the wrong bait, I reeled in too soon...

...and I caught more fish than he did."

I'll never forget what someone once said to me.
"If you love her, let her go. AND COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!"

Duffy - You got me begging you for (bird seed!)

On the first day, G-d created the dog and said,
"You can eat and sleep as much as you wish. But you will have to bark at anyone who walks past, or comes into your house. For this I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

And G-d said that it was good.

On the second day, G-d created the monkey and said,
"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And G-d again said that it was good.

On the third day, G-d created the cow and said,
"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And G-d agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, G-d created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said G-d, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.

If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.

I've found a great way to give up smoking. Nicorette patches. You put one over each eye and you can't find your fags!

The Dentist...

A guy and a girl meet at a bar.

They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.

The girl has been watching him and says

"You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says: "Yes .... How did you figure that out?"

"Easy.." she replies, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing leads to another and they have sex.

After it's over the girl says: "You must be a good dentist."

The guy, now with an inflated ego, says:

"Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"

The girl replies:..

"Didn't feel a thing."

If you use plastic bags to pick up dog mess, can you imagine what your dog is thinking when you come home with bags full of shopping from the supermarket!

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman, " Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please?"

The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.

The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed.

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'

The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down, and then leaves.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub.

Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.

The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.

The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties...'

The rabbit looks aghast.

The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, 'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.'

The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.'

The bar suddenly becomes ear shatteringly silent..

The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.'

'Ok,' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.'
The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.

He then waves to the crowd and leaves....

NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served four drinks tonight, three of which were his), calls time.

When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar..

The barman says, 'Who are you?',

To which he is answered,

'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'

The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous.

You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'The rabbit says, 'Yes I know..'

The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'

The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.

The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'

'I DIED', said the rabbit.

'NO!' said the barman. 'What of?'

After a short pause, the rabbit said...

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'Mixin-me-toasties.'

If Christians say God is punishing gay people with floods, what's his excuse for the droughts!?

As a lapsed Buddhist, I don't think I should comment on this one.

Farmer Jake had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field ploughing.

One day when he was out in the field, Jake's wife brought his lunch to him. Then she stayed while he quietly ate, and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Jake's old mule kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head, and killing her instantly.

At the wake, Jake's minister noticed that when the women offered their sympathy to Jake he would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.

When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Jake and asked,

"Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?"

"Well", Jake replied, "The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down.

The men all asked, 'Is that mule for sale!?'"

Me too. I must get back into my meditation.

What is it about people who repair shoes that makes them so good at cutting keys. How did they discover the second thing? I'd confuse them by taking my shoes in and asking him to cut me a pair of key shaped ones!

Dogs that rhyme with foods. (I know, I've got too much time on my hands)!

Poodle - Pot Noodle.
Picanesse - Cheddar Cheese.
Labrador - Lobster Thermador.

Punishing Puns

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers.

Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire, and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
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A man rushed into a busy doctor's surgery and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!"

The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down..You'll just have to be a little patient."
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Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California.

This, of course, is the origin of the expression "He who has a Tate's is lost!"
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An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and
swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling.

The chief shrugged and said,

"The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."
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A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."
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There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy.

The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys.

This just goes to prove that... the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
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A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal elder who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the elder looked him in the eye and said,

"Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need any enemas."

Ooooh dear! But I did like the Pythagoras one!

An elderly man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution.

When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says,

"I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The man obeys and says, "99".

The doctor says, "Great", now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99".

Again, the man says, '99'."

The doctor said, “Very good”.

Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The man begins,

"One...

two…

three…"

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her reception class pupils put on his boots?

He asked for help and she could see why.

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on.

By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said,

'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.'

She looked, and sure enough, they were.

It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on.

She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet.

He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'

She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream,

'Why didn't you say so? ' like she wanted to.

Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.

No sooner had they got the boots off when he said,

'They're my brother's boots. My Mum made me wear 'em.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.

But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?'

He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'

Why do some dog toys look like they should be sold in Anne Summers?